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    What Your Favorite Piece of Pizza Says About You

    Eating pizza is a psychological blood sport, and the competition begins long before anyone can blot grease with a napkin, pick off a mushroom, or perform a cesarean on some stubborn Parmesan cheese. The first jab is thrown when someone digs into the center of the pizza – forsaking all crusted pieces – and brings back to their plate a square wedge of cheese that may as well be lasagna that’s been hit by a steam roller. The competition intensifies when someone peels off the cheese and toppings from an innocent piece of pizza – exposing its sauce-soaked, doughy foundation – and takes only the bottom, leaving a pepperoni pelt behind as a warning to the other meaty pieces of pizza who may be “too much” for the bon vivant who summoned their delivery. If you strip away our manners and our reputations, you’d find that our pizza piece preferences are at the core of who we are as individuals.

    I’ve always been a Corner Person™. When presented with a full pizza, I opt for the four corners first, as I know in my heart of hearts those are the crispiest, most delicious pieces of any pizza. If you’re confused right now because you usually order pizza where every piece is the same, your pizza doesn’t have pieces, it has slices. Read on for an important lesson about pieces and slices:

    In the realm of foods cut into multiples, the word “slice” implies uniformity in geometry, if not in size. There has never been a slice of anything that has not also been a triangle. If your pizza is cut into long, triangular slices that meet at a point in the center, you’re eating slices. Unless it is deep dish, sliced pizza is generally inferior to pizza with cuts that overlap and create varying shapes, unless said sliced pizza comes with a tiny plastic table that would make a nice accent piece in the living room of a low-rent dollhouse. The tiny plastic pizza table trumps many pizza disappointments, not the least of which, the method of division. Let the pizza psychoanalysis continue.

    A pizza craving is one of the most human things about us. Pizza is the only food that remains the undisputed saboteur of all diets and carb avoidances. In disputes about what to order for dinner, pizza is the benevolent food Switzerland that brings us all together around a steamy cardboard box. Pizza is part of who we are, and whether you’ve considered it or not, your pizza piece preferences are not incidental. The next time you find yourself drawn to that cheesy inner piece or that discarded crust, know that you’re expressing your innermost self.

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    The Most Brutal Mom Reactions to Your Mother’s Day Gift

    Moms are notoriously hard to please, and it’s never more impossible to escape their savage momisms than on Mother’s Day. On the surface, finding the perfect Mother’s Day gift seems deceptively straightforward: a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a peapod necklace with a pea representing each of her children, a brunch date at her favorite restaurant. Simple. For any person who hasn’t spawn, any of these gifts would be touching, thoughtful gestures, but moms are different. They don’t operate on the same gift-receiving frequency as the rest of us. The question you need to ask when shopping for a mom is not, “What to get for the woman who has everything?” but, “What to get for the woman who doesn’t want anything and resents the insinuation that she wants, needs, or likes anything?”

    The more certain you are that this is the year you’ll surprise your mom with a sweet gift, the more likely it is you’re going to disappoint her as much as that time you got a D on a math test in high school. You know, the one she casually mentions from time to time – usually on the heels of some good news – that was so devastating at the time that you’ve spent the rest of your life trying to become successful enough to erase the shame? Before you get too optimistic about what you have planned for that special Sunday, prepare yourself for the worst with these common – yet still uniquely brutal – mom reactions to your Mother’s Day gift.

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    5 Appalling Things in the Public Restroom More Detrimental to the Fabric of Society Than The Gender Identity of the People Inside

    Target recently announced a new policy that would allow transgender employees to choose the restroom (and fitting room) that aligns with their gender identity, as opposed to using the restroom and fitting room that reflects the sex they were born. That very same week, the economy took a hit as bridge toll revenue plummeted, because all the trolls stayed inside, making the most of this opportunity to wax poetic about the “old days” in comment threads. It makes sense – at least to me – that a person should be able to pee where they feel the most comfortable, because no matter who you are, I’m going to resent you being in the restroom at the same time as me regardless, but what’s been missing from this heated debate about values, the free market, and the “little girls’ room” is this very important fact about public restrooms: they’re revolting.

    Aside from jail and a waiting room where someone already filled out the crossword puzzle in the May 2001 issue of People magazine, the public restroom is one of the worst places you could end up, and that isn’t gender specific. This place is the salle de bain of our existence, if you like French puns. No one is comfortable in a public restroom, and defending the sanctity of a place where there are puddles that could be water but might also be urine is probably not the most constructive use of your moral indignation. Yet, here we are, having this conversation about whether the genitalia you were born with should be the determining factor when deciding where you go to do something that makes us all stinky, embarrassed equals.

    Who among us has not endured the horror of the public restroom? What man or woman has not made that desperate pilgrimage to the most expensive department store in the mall to find a restroom without sticky floors? Have not we all seen and done unspeakable things in this place? The dissenters are right: public restrooms are in political upheaval, but it has nothing to do with the gender identity of the people inside them. Believe it or not, I’ve come across many cisgender people whose presence and/or actions in the bathroom made me significantly more uncomfortable than the prospect of a cameo appearance by a transgender person. Here are just a few examples of issues that may be more pressing than who is in the stall next to us.

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    What An Honest Millennial Resume Would Look Like

    Finding a job as a millennial can be challenging, and it’s only grown tougher because someone hasn’t been following the first rule of Millennial Club, and now every media outlet and Internet troll of a certain age who uses the word “bunk” knows this generation is stockpiling participation trophies like nuclear warheads. Being part of an elusive, notoriously hard to reach, digitally-savvy demographic would usually be an asset, but there’s a lot of bad press out there about Generation Y, especially millennials in the work force. Between you, me, and the NSA, most of the stereotypes are true, but job-seekers of every generation should be entitled to their employer discovering that they’re emo and Snapchat filter-obsessed after they’ve already been hired.

    Most job-seeking millennials are so focused on overcompensating for their millennialness on their resume that they’re missing opportunities to sell their sought-after skill set. What millennials lack in legitimate career experience they make up for in ambition, GIFs, and slang that will make you feel old. The iCloud is truly the limit for millennials, but embracing that competitive edge starts with careful consideration of the talents they may have overlooked. To jumpstart your millennial resume revamp, take inspiration from this attempt at what an honest millennial resume would look like.

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    7 Ways to Make Everyone on Facebook Hate Your Baby Before It’s Born

    You just found out that you’re pregnant – congratulations are in order! There are probably a lot of things on your mind right now like baby expenses, cheese fries, every sad moment from the movie Up, diapers, tacos, “When We Were Young” by Adele, breastfeeding, hot fudge sundaes, that moment last month when an elderly woman tried to make small talk with you in line at Macy’s but you were in a rush and you just weren’t in the mood to be social but when you laid in bed that night you just imagined her going home to a big house that’s empty save for dusty photos of children and grandchildren who live too far away and don’t call as often as they should, maternity clothes, pooping during delivery, and pickles. You’re also probably in the early stages of figuring how to be a good – or at least competent – parent. Well, before you start baby proofing your entire existence, we – your friends and followers – have one simple request: please don’t make us hate your spawn before its born.

    We don’t want to hate your baby. At least, not yet. There’s plenty of time for your kid to transition from little bundle of joy to little jerk, but until he or she does something truly worthy of our disdain like crying incessantly at the Olive Garden, we want to enjoy him or her. We want to share in your joy during this special time in your life, but please learn from the mistakes of your pregnant predecessors. In the past, some of your peers have ruined their children for us. It’s unfortunate, but they left us no choice. From the pregnancy announcement with the little pair of shoes, to 62 photos of the the gender reveal cake, to the never-ending bump updates, we were already sick of their babies before they were even brought into the world. We think you’re different though; you’re not going to be one of those moms. Even though you already have a lot on your mind, please be mindful that these seven things may result in our untimely abhorrence of your new addition.

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