Moms are notoriously hard to please, and it’s never more impossible to escape their savage momisms than on Mother’s Day. On the surface, finding the perfect Mother’s Day gift seems deceptively straightforward: a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a peapod necklace with a pea representing each of her children, a brunch date at her favorite restaurant. Simple. For any person who hasn’t spawn, any of these gifts would be touching, thoughtful gestures, but moms are different. They don’t operate on the same gift-receiving frequency as the rest of us. The question you need to ask when shopping for a mom is not, “What to get for the woman who has everything?” but, “What to get for the woman who doesn’t want anything and resents the insinuation that she wants, needs, or likes anything?”
The more certain you are that this is the year you’ll surprise your mom with a sweet gift, the more likely it is you’re going to disappoint her as much as that time you got a D on a math test in high school. You know, the one she casually mentions from time to time – usually on the heels of some good news – that was so devastating at the time that you’ve spent the rest of your life trying to become successful enough to erase the shame? Before you get too optimistic about what you have planned for that special Sunday, prepare yourself for the worst with these common – yet still uniquely brutal – mom reactions to your Mother’s Day gift.