It’s good to have you back with us. We nearly lost you there, but you pulled through. Things started looking pretty bleak when you took that third helping of stuffing. You had that distant look in your eyes, like you were a rookie who challenged a seasoned competitive eater and just now realized you got in way over your head, but only after eating enough food to make you feel more like an Olive Garden dumpster than a human being. By that last bite of sweet potato pie, we were all sure you might physically burst, ruining the leftovers and a lovely family gathering in one fell burp. We can’t be entirely sure, but we think your agony began when you suddenly dropped your fork onto your plate like the paralysis poison some super villain fed you had finally kicked in.
Do you remember anything about what happened after the meal? It can be difficult for some survivors to recall the events leading up to their food coma. You were hunched over in your chair conducting a crumb pattern analysis, coming to grips with the full horror of your digestive crimes, so we walked you over to the couch after clearing the table. You kept saying that you wanted one more piece of pie. “I have room!!!!” you insisted, despite unbuttoning your pants and pulling your shirt up to your chest like you were prepping yourself for a food baby ultrasound, completely unprovoked. When we told you that you’d had enough, you started getting hostile. “BUT I DIDN’T GET ANY MASHED POTATOS!” you shouted, even though we all were witnesses to you licking the mashed potato serving spoon and claiming they were all for you while you shoveled them onto your crowded plate like a woman dumping sugar packets into her purse at a cheap diner. We knew you weren’t yourself; the food made you hangry.
The next several hours were touch and go. Sometimes you were responsive, cracking a half smile at Everybody Loves Raymond – the only show assured to simultaneously offend no one in attendance while still annoying everyone. You spent a while sprawled out on the floor with your legs spread and your arms over your head in a “yoga” (really fauxga) pose because, as you put it, “Yoga people never feel this way.” When you sat up on your own and finally articulated, “I think I ate too much,” we knew you were going to be okay.
In the days that follow a food coma, some things may be difficult for you. It might be tough to button your pants or wear figure-clinging clothing. Freshly laundered denim should not be worn under any circumstances. It is recommended that pants with a soft, stretchy waistband be worn for 24-48 hours post food coma. It may be challenging for you to do the normal tasks that you did before you ate like a king celebrating a cool button he found on the floor in his chambers. Looking in the refrigerator at leftovers may be traumatic for you. It might be hard to sit up or stand. You may find yourself having weird cravings for things like nutrient-rich foods, vegetables, or even fruit, but don’t worry, you’re going to feel like gorging yourself again in no time.
If you can’t shake a kale craving after 72 hours, please see your doctor.