Lay’s potato chips used to be one of my staple junk foods, and the reason for their success isn’t their company name’s likeness to Jays (a lesser potato chip company distributed in the Midwest), it’s because they’re innovators committed to finding new ways to tempt us into eating greasy, delicious garbage from a convenient, perpetually-only-half-filled bag. What sets Lay’s apart from all the other potato chip companies is their commitment to experimentation—I’m talking about the Do Us A Flavor contest.
The Do Us A Flavor contest is a tournament where real people send in the potato chip flavors of their dreams. Lay’s selects a special few of these flavors to be produced and sold in select stores, and once you’ve tasted them all, you can vote for your favorite to become part of the regular flavor line-up right alongside veterans like sour cream and onion.
It sounds perfect, except for one little hiccup: people are disgusting. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some genius flavors submitted in the past…
But the current Do Us A Flavor choices leave something to be desired (flavor, to start):
Do you understand what this means? Of all the food items to flavor potato chips, the four standout submissions were cheddar bacon mac & cheese, cappuccino, mango salsa, and wasabi ginger. I mean, were their competitors stale bread, liver, and pig’s tongue? Who are these individuals that thought cappuccino and wasabi ginger belong in a chip? What’s their story? Have they endured a painful taste bud incident? PEOPLE, THIS WAS OUR CHANCE TO MAKE A LASTING IMPRESSION ON THE WORLD! I don’t know if I can live in a society where someone is perfectly okay with mango salsa potato chips being their legacy. I didn’t even know anyone even liked mango salsa that much. This is madness.
Because I’m so taken aback by how creative these flavors sound (by creative I mean unique and by unique I mean gross), I started thinking about flavors that I would recommend for Lay’s next Do Us A Flavor contest (I promise there are no coffee products or obscure salsas). Here are 20 of them that I think could completely revolutionize the snack aisle:
- Egg bagel with Cream Cheese – Because egg is the most underrated bagel flavor, that’s why.
- Chicken Quesadilla and Sour Cream – We’ve clearly mastered sour cream, let’s just add in a chicken quesadilla now.
- Broccoli Cheddar Soup – I’m not asking for any bread bowl flavor, just give me that soup in a bag.
- Grilled Cheese Sandwich – This has the potential to change the world.
- Hardboiled Egg – Just imagine eggs in delicious, salty chip form. (I like eggs.)
- Caesar Salad – Anything to make salad less healthy is a step in the right direction.
- Au Gratin Potatoes – You’ll never burn the roof of your mouth again!
- Turkey Stuffing – WE NEED THIS IN A CHIP. NOW. This would be a great solution for redneck Thanksgivings, too.
- Orange Chicken – Because sometimes you’re too lazy to even order Chinese.
- Chicken Parmesan – For when you don’t want to place a solo order for Olive Garden carryout.
- Bratwurst – You’ll never need to grill again.
- Homemade Meatloaf – I would eat meatloaf chips all day.
- Pumpkin Ravioli – Bet you weren’t expecting that one, but I think this would be a hit in fall when the pumpkin spice frenzy returns.
- Coleslaw – Maybe this would taste less shitty as a potato chip.
- Lamb and Chorizo – Don’t give me that look; I promise it’s not Mary’s little one.
- Quinoa – Let’s try and get those health nuts to cross over to the trans fats side.
- Spinach and Artichoke Dip Chip – WE NEED THIS SO MUCH MORE THAN MANGO SALSA. GIVE ME ARTICHOKES.
- Carmelized Onion – Lay’s can partner with Tic-Tac for this campaign.
- Filet Mignon with Blue Cheese – This may cause a stir, but I demand the flavor be medium-well.
- Swordfish – Some people like fish. Plus, I’m sure we could mock-up a really cool package for these.