I’ve been feeling a little insecure about my relationship lately. More specifically, I’ve noticed that my boyfriend has a consistently wandering eye. It’s even more than a mere wandering eye–he has an eye that intently gazes for hours on end. Who’s the mystery bitch that’s the lucky recipient of his full and undivided attention? The television.
I’m finding it hard to compete with this little tramp. She’s thinner than me, she’s known to take on the form of numerous actresses more attractive than I am, she’s consistently funny, and she even knows a hell of a lot more than I do. What’s more, she’s never tired. My boyfriend’s never seen her dig into food like a rabid animal. He’s also never seen her in her sweatpants, no makeup, with second (…or third) day hair. Not to mention, the sole purpose of her existence is entertaining him.
I’ve come to begrudgingly accept her presence in the dynamic of our relationship, but not long ago my boyfriend wanted to take things to the next level… A threesome. He actually wanted me to join him during his private time with her. As if it’s not bad enough I have to share him with TV in the first place, now I have to a party to this betrayal?
I tried to keep an open mind; it couldn’t hurt to experiment a little to keep the relationship exciting, right? We started off slowly. I really wanted to ease into this until I felt completely comfortable. We’d watch a sitcom here, an episode of a drama there, until finally we went all the way and watched an entire movie that lasted a few hours. I was spent, but TV could keep going and going. While we were in the middle of the act, I quickly noticed that, as historically happens with threesomes, my boyfriend was paying a lot more attention to the other participant than he was to me. He was so responsive to what TV was showing him, and I even saw him get emotional all over her.
Unfortunately, there’s no getting rid of this little homewrecker. I had some idea when we started dating that my boyfriend was polyamorous this way, and sometimes TV’s presence adds that little extra spice to our relationship… But most days I’d gladly pull the plug on that little wench. Guard your guys ladies–that television has no shame.
Little does my boyfriend know, I’ve been seeing TV behind his back in my spare time. She talks to me and listens, and I really feel like she understands my needs… That’ll be our little secret.