I’ve been feeling a little insecure about my relationship lately. More specifically, I’ve noticed that my boyfriend has a consistently wandering eye. It’s even more than a mere wandering eye–he has an eye that intently gazes for hours on end. Who’s the mystery bitch that’s the lucky recipient of his full and undivided attention? The television.
The siren song in action.
Image from Google
I’m finding it hard to compete with this little tramp. She’s thinner than me, she’s known to take on the form of numerous actresses more attractive than I am, she’s consistently funny, and she even knows a hell of a lot more than I do. What’s more, she’s never tired. My boyfriend’s never seen her dig into food like a rabid animal. He’s also never seen her in her sweatpants, no makeup, with second (…or third) day hair. Not to mention, the sole purpose of her existence is entertaining him.
I’ve come to begrudgingly accept her presence in the dynamic of our relationship, but not long ago my boyfriend wanted to take things to the next level… A threesome. He actually wanted me to join him during his private time with her. As if it’s not bad enough I have to share him with TV in the first place, now I have to a party to this betrayal?
I tried to keep an open mind; it couldn’t hurt to experiment a little to keep the relationship exciting, right? We started off slowly. I really wanted to ease into this until I felt completely comfortable. We’d watch a sitcom here, an episode of a drama there, until finally we went all the way and watched an entire movie that lasted a few hours. I was spent, but TV could keep going and going. While we were in the middle of the act, I quickly noticed that, as historically happens with threesomes, my boyfriend was paying a lot more attention to the other participant than he was to me. He was so responsive to what TV was showing him, and I even saw him get emotional all over her.
Unfortunately, there’s no getting rid of this little homewrecker. I had some idea when we started dating that my boyfriend was polyamorous this way, and sometimes TV’s presence adds that little extra spice to our relationship… But most days I’d gladly pull the plug on that little wench. Guard your guys ladies–that television has no shame.
Little does my boyfriend know, I’ve been seeing TV behind his back in my spare time. She talks to me and listens, and I really feel like she understands my needs… That’ll be our little secret.
Ha, cute.
I am really aggressive about television time — I lay a lot of blame on boring relationships based on the addictive nature of “high reward” entertainment programming.
The gals I’ve dated in the past 5 years don’t even own TVs. That’s been more important to me than a lot of other stats.
Ever think about doing something out of the house? Rock climbing, or taking up musical instruments, or something more laborious but also more fun?
So that means you’re a hipster, hahahaha. I’m being just a tad facetious in writing this. Us average folk like our mindless entertainment.
It’s really not that big of a problem. Though I did walk in on my boyfriend hugging the TV once… (Kidding.)
Television. The hussy that won’t go away. Truer words have never been said. This was hilarious.
She’s one relentless little bitch. Thanks.
Unplug her!- show her who’s the boss!
The thought’s crossed my mind more than once!
That was hilarious….and very true!!
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks so!
Hilarious!! I loved this! But I must admit… I don’t know who is worse in our house… my fiancé or me with their relationship with TV — that, thin, shiny little whore (she has NO pores, acne or wrinkles and I hate her for it!) Anyway… I think in our relationship we have agreed that “she” is a viable third member of the family. That may be “defeatist” or “sad” but it doesn’t make it any less true. I love her. I love that skinny little pore-less bitch!
Ha! Alright, alright… I can admit it. I love her, too. I just like her a lot more when I can control her.
Don’t we all… don’t we all
You left out the part where he cradles the remote in his hand, pressing her buttons, one after another, while murmuring, “My precious. My precious.”
Great post, Kate!
Hahaha! How could I forget!
This is so well done, Katie. Outright brilliant.
I have to admit though, I’ve got a 55″ LED (we guys always like to talk about size, don’t we?), and I’ve told my wife numerous times that if our marriage ever went south, I’d marry it. We both laughed and smile whenever I make the joke, and then for some reason for the next three days I never seem to be able to find the remote…
Thank you.
These innuendos are more plentiful than I ever could’ve imagined–it’s amazing. And it sounds like you earned being remote-less!
TV, that old whore still around? We had a thing from the 90′s to mid 2000′s. But then I started seeing my laptop and she was able to go with me everywhere. Hell, she even went to Iraq and Afghanastan with me. TV and I don’t talk anymore.
Hahahahaha! She sure gets around, huh?
I’m right there with you. My boyfriend will clock 7 hours of football on Sunday and want more on Monday! Then I’m the bad guy for wanting to do something else. He is a self-proclaimed TV addict. I get him back by making him watch TLC.
Ooh, that’s conniving with the TLC! I’ve made my boyfriend watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians, before. …I should be glad he didn’t break up with me.
I have to watch TV in secret behind my boyfriends back… He criticizes the trash I watch and I’m like – hey, if I wanted something wholesome I’d read a book… TV is TV, one can’t be a snob about it. At least yours doesn’t watch football on it all the time!!
AMEN! I totally agree! I don’t need to be enlightened when I’m watching TV. I just need to turn off my brain for awhile and watch some stupid, unbelievable drama unfold. I admit I’m lucky I’m not stuck with all sports all the time, but still.
Oh boy, you might have to have a cut off time for tv….Honestly, I love watching tv with my gf…..
What guy doesn’t?! You’ve got the best of both worlds right there from your sofa.
Great post, really creative angle! I prefer a 4-some…Me, the Wife, TV, and Mr. Captain Morgan;)
Thanks, and ha! You guys are really progressive, huh?
So would you consider this an open-ended relationship?
Oh, definitely. I haven’t even mentioned where my laptop figures into this dangerous liaison.
You’re so kinky!
What a great feature, definitely made me laugh
http://www.angelasteed.wordpress.com
Thanks!
hilarious- loved the threesome bit!
Thank ya!
I like! My kinda reading! Great job. I wrote something in that vein that you might also like. http://caramieandtheboyz.wordpress.com/2012/09/24/excuse-me-honey-honey-excuse-me/
Thanks, I’ll check it out!
Hi there!
Just wanted to let you know that I featured this post on my blog for this week! I’m featuring one post every day of the week (updated weekly), and yours is in the “Relationship Spiel Saturday” category. Feel free to check it out, it’s on the right hand side of my blog (you might have to scroll down a bit).
Cheers!
Marie
Good Morning, Joe
http://goodmorningjoe.wordpress.com/
How did I miss this one? LOL! Seems you both have electronic fetishes…and you can’t really say anything since you’ve been cheating on him with the DVR.
I know.
Ah, we’ll, it’s just another interesting ménage story…except with an inanimate object, LOL!