There’s an epidemic spreading, and it only affects women. You don’t have to come in contact with anyone who’s infected by it to catch it yourself. There’s no immunization or antibiotic to keep you safe. Staying clear of this condition requires hard work, smart shopping, and lots of mirror ass-gazing. There’s only one major symptom to identify this unfortunate affliction: unflattering lines showing up on the seat of your pants. You might’ve guessed it–the epidemic I’m referring to is none other than VPL also known as Visible Panty Line.
As of late, I had perhaps optimistically thought that visible panty line had gone the way of the plague, with no new reported cases, but how wrong I was. I can’t take a simple walk through any public place without being exposed to this elusive contagion. Look, I don’t go out of my way to scope out cuties with booties (half the time I’m looking it’s because I’m jealous, since my ass is nonexistent now), but when I see those converging lines causing a disturbance on some poor woman’s behind, I can’t help but experience a mixture of mortification and confusion.
Upon spotting an innocent woman walking around in that pitiful state, I actually feel uncomfortable–that’s the breadth of my sympathy for these sufferers. I examine these charity cases and wonder, “Did this happen in the car? Did she check in the mirror before she left the house, but then something changed en route? How could this assacre have happened?!“
Ladies, VPL is very sneaky. I know you think once you put on your pants and do a quick check to verify smoothness, you’re safe. That is now always the case. Things can bunch and shift, and suddenly you’ll look like you’re wearing a diaper. The best way to safeguard against a spontaneous VPL outbreak is to jump around, sit, squat, bend over, dance, march in place, do whatever you need to do by any means necessary, and then, please, check again.
My heart goes out to all those women that leave the house thinking their butt looks perfect, yet for whatever reason VPL has reared its ugly head, but I feel no remorse for those that knowingly take their visible panty line to the streets. Let me debunk a myth here: thongs are not the only way to outsmart VPL. So, if you’re one of those chicks that disdains being that cheeky, don’t think you’re exempt. Being VPL-free is actually rather simple: all you have to do is buy panties proportionate to the size of your ass. Sure, some fabrics can encourage visible panty line, but largely, as long as your drawers fit properly, you’ll be in the clear. Here’s another little tidbit for prevention: the underwear gods of the world have come up with a little thing called SEAMLESS panties that actually look invisible under clothes. So you see, intentional VPL negligence should not still exist.
It boggles my mind that some of those affected knowingly go out in public that way as if they’re proud of it. They walk around as if they’re trying to be VPL’s official mascot. Wedgies happen, some of us hate ass floss–that’s all fine and well–but only the worst kind of woman is reckless enough to subject onlookers to her unflattering bout of VPL. Ladies, you cannot wear your favorite big ol’ pair o’ panties with yoga pants. …You just can’t.
Visible panty line can have some real lasting consequences. Not only does the sufferer look like they belong roaming the aisles of Walmart (you know what I’m sayin’), but their carelessness can have a serious impact on those around them. Locking eyes with visible panty line is about as horrifying as looking at Medusa–only instead of getting the swift reprieve of turning into stone you have just keep walking behind the VPL host until they leave the area. VPL PTSD (visible panty line post traumatic stress disorder) is a real problem. Just one simple look in the mirror could save someone hours, even days of terrible visions. Women of the world, you hold the power–no one wants to scarred for life by the repulsive, wrinkled outlines of your granny panties causing havoc on your ass.
Not to turn this into a cheesy tampon commercial, but ladies, seriously, take control of your VPL. If you or someone you know suffers from VPL, it’s never too late to seek help. Set aside the time to visit your local Victoria’s Secret for a much needed unmentionables upgrade. Invest in a full-length mirror and check yourself regularly. These self-cehcks at home could save your life. …Or at least spare you some considerable VPL shame.