There’s an epidemic spreading, and it only affects women. You don’t have to come in contact with anyone who’s infected by it to catch it yourself. There’s no immunization or antibiotic to keep you safe. Staying clear of this condition requires hard work, smart shopping, and lots of mirror ass-gazing. There’s only one major symptom to identify this unfortunate affliction: unflattering lines showing up on the seat of your pants. You might’ve guessed it–the epidemic I’m referring to is none other than VPL also known as Visible Panty Line.
As of late, I had perhaps optimistically thought that visible panty line had gone the way of the plague, with no new reported cases, but how wrong I was. I can’t take a simple walk through any public place without being exposed to this elusive contagion. Look, I don’t go out of my way to scope out cuties with booties (half the time I’m looking it’s because I’m jealous, since my ass is nonexistent now), but when I see those converging lines causing a disturbance on some poor woman’s behind, I can’t help but experience a mixture of mortification and confusion.
This must be one of the poor, unfortunate souls Ursula was singing about in The Little Mermaid.
Image from Google
Upon spotting an innocent woman walking around in that pitiful state, I actually feel uncomfortable–that’s the breadth of my sympathy for these sufferers. I examine these charity cases and wonder, “Did this happen in the car? Did she check in the mirror before she left the house, but then something changed en route? How could this assacre have happened?!“
Ladies, VPL is very sneaky. I know you think once you put on your pants and do a quick check to verify smoothness, you’re safe. That is now always the case. Things can bunch and shift, and suddenly you’ll look like you’re wearing a diaper. The best way to safeguard against a spontaneous VPL outbreak is to jump around, sit, squat, bend over, dance, march in place, do whatever you need to do by any means necessary, and then, please, check again.
My heart goes out to all those women that leave the house thinking their butt looks perfect, yet for whatever reason VPL has reared its ugly head, but I feel no remorse for those that knowingly take their visible panty line to the streets. Let me debunk a myth here: thongs are not the only way to outsmart VPL. So, if you’re one of those chicks that disdains being that cheeky, don’t think you’re exempt. Being VPL-free is actually rather simple: all you have to do is buy panties proportionate to the size of your ass. Sure, some fabrics can encourage visible panty line, but largely, as long as your drawers fit properly, you’ll be in the clear. Here’s another little tidbit for prevention: the underwear gods of the world have come up with a little thing called SEAMLESS panties that actually look invisible under clothes. So you see, intentional VPL negligence should not still exist.
It boggles my mind that some of those affected knowingly go out in public that way as if they’re proud of it. They walk around as if they’re trying to be VPL’s official mascot. Wedgies happen, some of us hate ass floss–that’s all fine and well–but only the worst kind of woman is reckless enough to subject onlookers to her unflattering bout of VPL. Ladies, you cannot wear your favorite big ol’ pair o’ panties with yoga pants. …You just can’t.
Image from Google
Visible panty line can have some real lasting consequences. Not only does the sufferer look like they belong roaming the aisles of Walmart (you know what I’m sayin’), but their carelessness can have a serious impact on those around them. Locking eyes with visible panty line is about as horrifying as looking at Medusa–only instead of getting the swift reprieve of turning into stone you have just keep walking behind the VPL host until they leave the area. VPL PTSD (visible panty line post traumatic stress disorder) is a real problem. Just one simple look in the mirror could save someone hours, even days of terrible visions. Women of the world, you hold the power–no one wants to scarred for life by the repulsive, wrinkled outlines of your granny panties causing havoc on your ass.
Not to turn this into a cheesy tampon commercial, but ladies, seriously, take control of your VPL. If you or someone you know suffers from VPL, it’s never too late to seek help. Set aside the time to visit your local Victoria’s Secret for a much needed unmentionables upgrade. Invest in a full-length mirror and check yourself regularly. These self-cehcks at home could save your life. …Or at least spare you some considerable VPL shame.
I do have to same, the SOMA anti-slip granny-style panties are the best invention ever.
When I tell women about them (thanks to a gal who told me about them), I never hear complaints about underwear from a woman again.
I do think panty-lines can be sorta hot, depending on the gal’s body and what’s going on with her outfit.
I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on that last bit. Typically when I’m exposed to the contagion that is VPL, it’s totally unfortunate.
Lol. Some girls should just cover their ass if they can’t find ways to cover their panty lines!
I’m with ya!
You could always just go commando…
Ha! True. Waldrobe malfunctions will have to be saved for a future post.
I’m glad I’m following your blog then because I wouldn’t want to miss that one…
Haha, nice. I do sort of feel embarrassed for the sufferer. Nothing catches the attention quite like a bad case of VPL. Younger women seem to suffer less, it seems to me that it’s usually the older ladies who fall victim, but I’m thinking maybe they just don’t care anymore.
Great post, and thanks for spreading awareness!
Rohan.
I can forgive elderly VPL, if only because half the time those are lines are literally from a diaper.
LOL, bet you had enormous fun digging up a suitable image for this post
Interestingly enough, finding a decent image of VPL is kind of hard! Once you dig through all the NSFW pictures, the pickings are slim.
First of all, thanks for the picture above, which I will now never be able to unsee. Second, I’m sorry you had to see whatever inspired this blog. Though I am not of your gender, I am now going to look at the mirror before leaving the house in case there is a male version of this.
I had to force everyone else to endure the unwelcome surprise that I experienced when I did the Google image search for that picture. To this day, I’ve never seen a man with VPL, but now that I’ve said that, I’m sure tomorrow I’ll go out and see all kinds of things (that I don’t want to see).
By the way, shouldn’t this be under the “cheeky prose” category?
Hahahahaha!! If ever there was a post for Cheeky Prose, this would’ve been the one.
I’m reading this on lunch at work, minding my own business when suddenly, my coworkers gather behind me and gasp in horror at the first image used. We had a brief discussion on this problem and we all agree with you.
I like my eyes so much that I don’t want to ever feel like it’s a necessity to gouge them out to prevent more VPL horror from being archived in my memory.
Hahahahaha! I should’ve put a disclaimer that the above image is not only not safe for work, but not safe for anyone that has their sight. I’m glad you and your coworkers agree!
Thank heavens someone finally had the courage to address this pressing problem. Hopefully those oblivious sufferers will gasp and run to mirror after reading this post and we will all be spared additional pain and suffering. You are an angel to brave this sensitive topic.
Take it from one who knows: thongs work great on big asses too. That’s for those of us who can’t find panties big enough to cover them cheeks. If the panties are too tight, you get the dreaded Double Butt look, where each ass cheek is split in half. Aieeee!
Oh goodness, that’s an even more formidable strain of VPL. Back in the day when I used to have some booty, I’d constantly have to be on the lookout for that.
Is camel toe a form of VPL?
Hmm… Now we’re really getting into the science of it. I think camel toe is a disease unto itself.
Haha.. you gave me an idea on what/where to look at when some women turn their backs on me and prepare my cam-phone when I spot someone infected with VPL. This is hilarious but seriously, I am concern with those who focus only on their faces in front of the mirror. They could have been seriously infected with the VPL disease without them knowing it.
Taking pictures with your phone of especially bad cases of VPL is always encouraged. We need to document as many known cases as humanly possible.
Haha.. I have yet to hear your prescriptions on serious cases of VPLs and I wonder if you would recommend hospital confinement?
Vety Nice post as always…you’re pretty funny! As far a VPL…let me give the ladies some advice. This is trashy but no man can ever look away…Man Law #312. The “Whale Tail”. The Whale Tail is when a girl has just the tops of the thong peaking out above the jeans/pants exposing the path to glory. Be warned the Whale Tail on the wrong lady is far worse than VPL but when executed right…I will guarantee you will get a few free drinks at the bar. Be warned Ms. VPL will call you trashy but chances are she is not that fun anyways;)
Hahahahaha. Ah the Whale Tail, the arch nemesis of VPL.
The city: New York, New York
The neighborhood: Everything North of 110th Street
The severity of VPL: 98.9%
Incidence of VPL PTSD: 100%
Complicating factor: VPL with BS PTSD (Belly Shirt PTSD)
Only known cure: Soak eyeballs in bleach.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Please wear a thong with leggins.
You tell ‘em!
You are not always safe wearing a skirt / dress either. If said item is tight across your bum (butt, for those of you on the other side of the Atlantic), you need to be aware of the VPL curse. We are all hoping that you are wearing knickers, you don’t need to advertise the fact. Great post, as always
Thank ya! And thanks for pointing out donning a dress or a skirt does NOT give you immunity. Some of the worst VPL I’ve ever seen has involved a skirt!
I’d love to spend the day with you doing fashion makeovers — we could have so much fun and help so many in need!
Oh my gosh, it would be incredible!
Lol, that was a good blog to start my day with. I double checked to see if I had VPL then realized I wasn’t wearing panties.
Well, then you’re covered. …Or not, I guess.
Could be so much worse. Imagine it was Visible Panty Liners? Great blog! I’ll be ass gazing all day today.
I’m not sure many women will accept this blog post as an excuse for all that ass-gazing, though.
One thought comes to mind (okay a few), but the one I’ll share here is that these VPL sufferers obviously have no friends and no mirrors!
Meh. I like seeing panties.
Oh my god! How did I miss this one? I just choked a little…Assacre indeed. You are a stitch, woman! This is why I love you….and have nominated you for blog of the year. You’ll see it on my blog in a few minutes.