Dear Ms. Johnson,
This law firm represents Ore Sebastian Johnson, your miner – correction – minor son. You are hereby directed to cease and desist all defamation of Mr. Johnson’s character and reputation on social media. Mr. Johnson has cause to believe you have been spreading false and exaggerated rumors about him to family members, friendly women from the Trader Joe’s checkout line, and high school classmates who are now nothing more than schadenfreude units of measurement.
Mr. Johnson is not a public figure and does not wish to appear on anyone’s feed between a 45-second taco dip recipe video and a photo of a cat with its head in an empty paper towel roll. The following is a cursory list of unauthorized content and media you have shared about Mr. Johnson:
- A photo of Mr. Johnson lying next to a plush monkey with the comment, “My little Ore-angutan with his best friend!” Mr. Johnson is horrified that you would bring shame on an already awful name with a bad pun. He also states for the record that his best friend is actually Suds McQuacken, the rubber duck that sometimes makes him cry in the bath for no reason.
- A life event added to your timeline with the note, “Ore’s first smile!!!” Mr. Johnson intends someday to pursue a STEM career path and feels very strongly that you’ve set the bar for a “life event” punitively low for your own progeny.
- A status update announcing, “Guess who’s spending the day at Auntie Lauren’s today? Ore loves his Auntie Lauren!” Mr. Johnson doesn’t trust Auntie Lauren because she’s a sorcerer. Whenever she says the magic word “Snapchat,” she somehow transforms both herself and Mr. Johnson into dogs, slices of bread, and other terrifying things.
- A picture you shared of Mr. Johnson wearing a gold and white striped onesie with a red corduroy newspaper boy hat was captioned, “This is Ore’s favorite outfit! Love my handsome little man.” Mr. Johnson hates this outfit. No matter how hard he fights while being dressed, he doesn’t have the motor skills to stop you.
- A video of Mr. Johnson propped up beside his colleague, 6-month-old Mia Kowalczyk captioned, “Ore hanging out with his girlfriend. They grow up so fast!” Mr. Johnson asserts that his relationship with Miss Kowalcyzk purely platonic and further contends he finds it difficult to even consider her as anything more than a friend because her mom makes her wear those kitschy elastic headbands, the flower crowns of infancy.
- A status update celebrating Mr. Johnson’s fourth month of existence in which you assumed his identity on your Facebook page and posted a photo of him propped up next to a block with the number four on it: “I’m four months old today. I love chewing on my hand and sitting up. Mommy tells me I need to stop growing up so fast!” Mr. Johnson maintains that he chewed on his hand just once and only because he didn’t understand that his hand was part of his body. He also alleges the only things you tell him are: “Look at me!” “Smile!” and “Let mommy post this really quick.”
Mr. Johnson, his future employer, and your entire network would appreciate it if you cease and desist sharing this inflammatory content immediately. Thank you in advance for your cooperation and compliance.