When news broke that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their child North West, the states of Washington and Oregon hosted angry demonstrations, because aside from the Space Needle, the Grey’s Anatomy subtext, and the lingering glory of the game Oregon Trail, being part of the Pacific Northwest are all those states have going for them. Many of us wondered how exactly a compass could be born prematurely, or more importantly, how will Kim and Yeezy’s little bundle of joy ever take a controversy-free trip to South Korea?
For myself, their spawn made me take a long, hard look at my reproductive future. I’m not planning on having any Pillsbury crescents in my oven any time soon, but being that I’m in the childbearing years and TMZ is my only source of guidance, celebrities have taught me that choosing a unique name that will cause merciless schoolyard taunts and numerous human resources representatives to spit out their coffee isn’t easy. It takes time, and it’s never too early to start planning on how I’m going to ruin my future child’s life by choosing something ridiculous to put on their birth certificate.
I’ve tried to keep my life in mind, so the names that I’ve come up with are pretty personal, but feel to draw inspiration from them:
Broccoleigh (girl): I love broccoli–every time I eat it, I feel like I’m eating the vegetable version of the Tree of Life from Lion King. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to love a daughter half as much as I adore broccoli, but I think this name might give her a fighting chance that will last right until her teenage years. Besides, in naming her Broccoleigh, I’m securing her future with a nice, vegan husband who has a secure job installing solar panels.
Cheesecate (girl): My other foodie love, only with one letter changed. When people aren’t seething with envy at how one simple letter change turned this delicious dessert into an actual name, they’ll be admiring how this girl reminds them of the scrumptious cheesecake their grandma Betty used to make. No one could possibly hate Cheesecate!
Chicageaux (girl): An hommage to the city I was born in, with a twist! Chicago, spelled correctly, is just one of those typical city names like Paris (which is so passé), but a simple change to Chicageaux? Now that has that has moxie. A similarly spelled name, Margeaux, means “Pearl.” I think Chicageaux’s meaning would be, “Odor of piss and exhaust fumes.” Classic and elegant.
Gerund (boy): The name Gerald has been around forever, but switch “ald” with “und,” and suddenly we have a hip new name that honors an often misunderstood verb form. I’m calling this trend right now: lexical categories and figures of speech are going to be trendy before you know it. Pretty soon Ava and Madison will be replaced with Noun and Metaphor.
Sir (boy): The likelihood that I’ll marry into royalty is diminishing by the day, but that doesn’t mean I can’t provide my child with a Don Quixote complex from the time of his birth. In naming my son “Sir,” I’m ensuring that he’ll command respect whether his full name or simply his first name is used. Wherever he goes, people will always call him sir, and that’s sure to give him the sense of entitlement that will help him become a negligent, future CEO with a passion for white collar crime someday.
I know North West is going to be hard to top in the history of ridiculous, pseudo-clever baby names, but I think I’m on the right track. If you sit down and really give it about three minutes of serious contemplation, I think you could come up with something truly great, too.