And it was as awkward and uncomfortable as it is seeing anyone else’s penis for the first time on accident.
I’ve never been the type to actually want to go places or do things on weeknights after work, so on Tuesday night at my boyfriend Mike’s apartment my bra was off and my belly was full; I was essentially killing time until it was an acceptable hour to go to sleep. Mike and me were lying in bed watching each of Amazon’s five new TV pilots so we can make an informed decision when casting our vote for the show that becomes their next original series (I’m torn between Hand of God and Really, if anyone else is doing this). My cat Rory (AKA Kitty, Rorschach, big man kitty) was lounging on the corner of the bed near my feet, idly flicking his tail and attentively watching the TV like he always does when he’s feeling sociable.
Rory is the first cat I’ve ever owned and also my first male pet. As a result, I don’t really know a lot about animal dicks. Truthfully, I don’t even fully understand regular, human dicks, so why anyone should have any expectation I’d understand the functionality or expected appearance of my cat’s dick is beyond me. Rationally, I knew he had a penis somewhere, but I don’t think many people (myself included) give a lot of thought to their pet’s sexual organs, except when they’re getting spayed or neutered, humping is happening, or there’s some kind of health issue. I casually assumed Rory had some kind of member, but I thought it was enshrouded in a tuft of black and white fur somewhere by his tail/butthole area. Maybe it has whiskers. I DON’T KNOW. I’ve never gone looking for it because one, that’s weird, and two, he’s my sweet wittle whisker puss boy who doesn’t have sex (and I’m so sorry about that, but I try to give him a good life anyway).
We had Rory neutered before we took him home from the animal shelter, and I’ll fully admit I have no idea what the neutering process is. I assume it’s just an animal vasectomy? I really don’t know. I’ve done my share damning Google searches over the years, and I really don’t think adding “cat dicks” or “cat neutering process” is going to help exonerate me from any search term-based accusations of wrongdoing someday. So, okay, I guess part of me thought it was possible my darling cat had been castrated and made into a eunuch. I never said that out loud because, again, I have no reason to talk about my cat’s member (and part of me knew that just didn’t seem quite right).
Whenever Rory cleans his nether regions, my boyfriend and me would joke that he was licking his “pink thing.” I thought that was just the silly way we humanized our cat doing something animalistic and socially frowned upon (except for guys letting their minds wander). Well, the other day I learned that “pink thing” was a lot more accurate than I realized.
Rory left his perch at the end of the bed and came up to rub his whiskered face against my own because he’s my feline twin soul/best friend/bae.
Lately, one his favorite pastimes has been kneading the comforter on the bed (which involves making little fists with his claws out over and over again, for all you catless folks). My boyfriend was trying to pet him mid-knead, so I promptly screamed at him because I was PMSing and I hate when he interrupts my sweet kitty cat while he’s kneading. Once Rory had his fill of kneading, he started cleaning himself. Usually I try to avert my gaze to give him a little privacy during his bathing process, but when he reached one of his back legs toward the sky, I caught a glimpse of something I’d never, ever seen before.
His pink thing.
It was not furry at all, but it was indeed pink. It looked like a pointy, engorged worm that would travel through your ear canal to get into your brain. It looked like a miniature, penisy version of the vampires in The Strain.
“I can see his pink thing!!!!!!!!!!!” I told Mike in horror. He thought it was hysterical. Apparently, he had already seen Rory’s pink thing long ago, but I have no idea why he wouldn’t tell me that cats have retractable penises that look oddly menacing for something smaller than my pinky finger.
Now that I’ve seen that’s what Rory has going on, I feel like our entire relationship has changed. I mean, I liken what happened between us to a mother walking in on her teenage son jerking off with a full bottle of Jergens on the nightstand beside him. It was obvious he was likely licking his pink thing for pleasure, not cleanliness, so I had to wonder—does the blanket kneading give Rory a kitty boner? Every time he’s purring, does his pink thing sneak out for an appearance? Do cats ejaculate? When he sleeps on my pillow by my head, is it possible there’s funny business going on?
As a post-pink thing viewing female owner of a male cat, I feel this strange need to be more aware of his masculinity. At least with a human boy their little wee-wee is out there from the jump, and eventually they’ll pee on your face when you’re changing their diaper, so you’re really forced to accept that they have junk. We’ve had Rory for over two years now, and this is the first appearance his pink thing has made in my presence. Is he in his teenage phase now? Is there a cat puberty? In two years’ time he’s seen me naked, creeped on me in the shower, and had serious some voyeuristic tendencies. I’m not so vain as to think my charms transcend the bounds of species attraction, but it all feels a little weird now that I’ve seen my cat’s dick. HE HAS A TINY, THREATENING DICK.
Take a second and think about your pets as sexual beings for a second. I mean, sure, we rationally know that they have those parts, but this is why it’s so horrifying when a dog humps your leg: we don’t want to think about our pets having sexual urges. It’s weird and oddly complicates our relationship. Part of the reason everyone loves their pets so much is they don’t have to concern themselves with another entity’s sex life (unless you choose to breed them). They’re just our furry, asexual best friends who aren’t judgmental or horny and derive all the pleasure they need in life from our pleasant company and scratches under the chin.
I’m going to try to act the same around Rory, but there’s definitely a weird vibe every time he cleans himself or purrs unusually loudly. I also think it might be weird because I feel weird about it, but I can’t help it. When you learn your cat has a pointy, pink penis, it makes you bashful. He’s still my baby, though. (And if ever anyone needed more proof, I’m still a crazy cat lady.)
PS: Okay, so I said the hell with it. I Googled it, AND IT’S A PENILE SPINE. According to Wikipedia: “Upon withdrawal of a cat’s penis, the spines rake the walls of the female’s vagina, which may cause ovulation.” Too much realness. Ladies, never scoff at a small penis again because other creatures have SPINES.