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What Your Hypothetical Lottery Jackpot Plans Say About You

What Your Hypothetical Lottery Jackpot Plans Say About You

Young happy woman count dollars on the table inside.

For anyone who’s ever worked in a cubicle or has had their card declined when attempting to buy an already embarrassingly unorthodox combination of groceries – like toenail fungus ointment, plastic knives, and cottage cheese – winning the lottery is one fantasy we can all collectively fall back on those days when you’re feeling as important as an unsolicited flyer wedged under the windshield wiper of someone’s car in a parking lot. It’s a discouraging reality, but most of us have accepted that we have a better chance of finding financial security by being the lucky one in 292 million than by working hard or developing our talents. When the jackpot gets high enough to enter an office pool, we revisit our secret Lottery Selves: the people we’d become if we had enough money to shop online sorting the price of items from high to low. Whether you regularly buy scratch-off tickets or save your delusions for only the biggest potential winnings, the hypothetical lottery plan (you’ll likely never use) says a lot about your personality.

The Phantom Plan

When you find out that you’ve won and prepare to disappear, leaving your old life and everyone in it behind.

You’re the kind of person who daydreams about entering the witness protection program. You also have a reputation for “forgetting” your wallet during group outings, forcing your friends and family to routinely cover your impulsive onion ring and avocado upgrades. You’re not the most reliable person in the world, but you’re independent and brave, which will come in handy when thieves are trying to exploit your erratic lifestyle.

The Invasion Plan

When you find out that you’ve won and make immediate plans to settle down in a fancy neighborhood where you won’t fit in.

You refuse to take “no” for an answer, and that kind of delusional tenacity will make you the talk of the neighborhood when you buy a majestic manor and erect a statue of Pride Rock from The Lion King as a diving board in your backyard in the exclusive WASP Estates community. You may be stubborn for stubbornness‘s sake, but you’re going to be new money, so everyone’s expectations will be pretty low anyway.

The Elaborate Job Departure Plan

When you find out that you’ve won and your ultimate job quitting plan is set in motion.

You tend to bottle things up, a trait that will be the most deeply felt as security grabs your elbow and drags you off the premises of your former employer after you found out you won the jackpot, spelled out an expletive on the lunch room floor using a coworker’s tapioca pudding, and insisted that writing expletives is the only legitimate use of tapioca pudding. Rather than let your frustrations out in a healthy way or take steps to improve your current situation, you’d rather make plans to exact your revenge in the future when you’re winning.

The Passive Aggressive Distribution Plan

When you find out that you’ve won and you start mentally divvying up who’s getting what in the pettiest way possible.

You tend to hold a grudge, and your Grandma’s about to learn that the hard way when you gift her  a paltry $100,000 because she failed to talk your mom into buying that stuffed tiger at the toy store in October 1997. You have a really good memory, but it’s really hard for you to get a sense of closure, even for the minor slights in your life. You could stand to be a little more forgiving—is having the middle name Bertha really worth a $750,000 deduction of your mother’s stake?

The Getaway Plan

When you find out that you’ve won and make arrangements embark on a whirlwind tour of the world.

You have an adventurous spirit, but you’re not always the best at planning ahead, which is why we’re all hoping your neighbor will be kind enough to feed your cat and pick you up when you attempt to travel with a 80 oz. bottle of shampoo but no passport. You tend to get excited a little too easily, which is a good thing to remember when you’re swatting locals with your selfie stick while seeing the sights abroad.

The Debt Relief Plan

When you find out that you’ve won and can’t even imagine doing anything other than eliminating all your debt.

You live a simple, FOMO-free life of ramen noodles and borrowed Netflix passwords, and your frugal existence (due to student loans, credit cards, hungry children, and/or mortgage payments) has just become a part of you who are. You can’t even imagine what it would be like not to live on fixed income, but you imagine it involves good cheese, alcohol, and recognizable name brands.

The Conscientious Citizen Plan

When you find out that you’ve won and intend on using your winnings to save the world–at least in the perception of your social followers.

You’re passionate about philanthropy–well, at least you pretend to be on Facebook. You want to save the pit bulls, the rainforest, Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey. That’s why when you get all those millions, you’re going to pay it forward so we all live a better life–at least that’s what the memes you post on Instagram suggest. You have some trouble keeping your promises and following through on things, but on the bright side, your soapbox and high horse seem to get along famously.

5 Comments

  1. George January 13, 2016

    I think the plan is that none of really gave a plan. We all talk about what out plan might be but unless you’re thrown into that conversation , you just never know how you might react.

  2. bensbitterblog January 13, 2016

    I’m a pretty good combo of a few of those. The ninja one sounds pretty great as does job departure thing, (though I probably wouldn’t do it) I sure would start acting even more passive aggressive to some people here.

  3. Mike January 13, 2016

    Such a LADY, you are. Let’s not forget the “Empty Sexual Gratification Plan” where you brag about being rich to every girl who would’nt sleep with you because you wear yellow ‘shotgun’ range glasses, smell of oreo cookies and bacon grease, and only come out of your mom’s basement to attend ‘My Little Pony’ conventions, until you have every sexually transmitted acronym from A.I.D.S. to D.D.I.L.L.Y.C.A.W.Z.T. (Damn Dude, It Looks Like Your Cells Are Wearing a Zebra Thong) and die before you could spend anything other than the 120 bucks you spent on wine coolers for skanky women to give you D.D.I.L.L.Y.C.A.W.Z.T.

  4. Katie Renee January 13, 2016

    I’ve spent the last few days dreaming of what it would be like to be a billionaire (before taxes of course), only to realize that I forgot to purchase a ticket to said lottery, the drawing is in 20 minutes, and I’ll be damned if I’m getting off this couch to go get a quick pick. Whoever wins, I hope they enjoy that money to the fullest.

  5. Liz January 16, 2016

    Ha! I think we’re closest to the Invasion Plan, with a bit of the Debt Free & Contientious plans. Upon coming up with hyopthetical spends, mainly my husband and I realized how effing practical we are. We couldn’t even bring ourselves to commit to a vacation home because the maintenence would be expensive. Hello, we’re billionaires! Except we lost so we’re not but…maybe next time?

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