Unless you’ve been too busy throwing a rager to celebrate Hubble telescope’s 25th birthday (who know Hubble was a Millennial?), you’ve probably stumbled across at least one of the news stories circling the Internet this week about the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge. I’m sure you—like me—assumed that the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge dares participants to overdraw their lips while getting injections and seeing how long they can deny accusations that their face looks completely different in a I-saw-my-doctor way and not a I’m-growing-up-voluptuously way. But no!
In reality, the KJLC (Are we using that acronym? Does it too strongly imply Kylie Jenner and Lauren Conrad are working on a clothing line?) involves shoving your lips into a shot glass, sucking out all the air to create vacuum seal, letting all the blood rush to your lips, and removing it so you can post a few selfies. If you look really ridiculous or you’re fortunate enough to get some bruising or cut your lip on the glass, you might even get retweeted on Twitter by 263 strangers basking in schadenfreude. Seeing all those people posting pictures and videos of themselves looking like Janice from the Muppets made me realize that these viral “challenges” that are more about putting yourself at risk for an embarrassing trip to the emergency room rather than actually pushing the limits of your mental and physical strength are totally in right now.
— Funny Pokemon (@FunnyPokemon) April 23, 2015
Unfortunately, many of us have actual responsibilities and can’t leave the house looking like we just fellated an entire beehive. So in the spirit of the many unique challenges I’ve tried alone at my house, like the Eat An Entire Package of Fig Newtons Challenge or the Three Hour Netflix Pee Delay Challenge, I’ve found a solution. Because I know a lot of us would like to participate in the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge, but are prohibited by our common sense and our natural lip preservation instincts, I’ve come up with a few lip challenges we can try instead.
1. The Gentle Questionably Consensual Kitty Kissies Lip Challenge
Subtly pucker your lips—somewhere between making a fish face and duck face—and find a (preferably familiar) cat. Ensnare said cat using cat nip or empty tuna promises. Cradle the cat in your arms, and place your lips to the top of the cat’s head, bestowing upon the feline a gentle kissie it will surely lick itself to rid of as soon as it can claw its way out of your arms.
2. The Attractive Duck Face Selfie You Can’t Post Because It’s a Duck Face Selfie So It Dwells In The Annals Of Your Camera Roll Threatening To Embarrass You If You Forget You Saved It And Anyone Swipes Through All Your Pictures Lip Challenge
Make yourself selfie ready. For some, that involves a hair flip, a nose and/or teeth check, and a lip gloss application. Take 7-24 selfies for practice (we all know the first 7-24 are usually throwaways), and then—against your better judgment—make a duck face in spite of the stigma. Take a selfie where your eyes are sparkling, your hair is perfect, and your cheek bones are poppin’, but even though it’s the most attractive selfie you’ve taken in months, refuse to post it anywhere (even to Facebook) because your lips don’t look casual enough for public consumption.
3. The General Lip Use Lip Challenge
Use your lips as you normally would to eat food, blow kisses to the TV, make fart sounds when no one’s home because you have the maturity of a rowdy nine-year-old, make faces in the mirror to remind yourself how unattractive you could be if you really tried, and fake smile at a relative telling you another elaborate story about someone you’ve never met. As necessary, apply some chapstick when your lips get dry. Lick lips when eating ice cream or botching an attempt to be sexy.
4. The Anxious, Bad Habit, Slightly Painful Lip Biting Lip Challenge
During a time of intense stress (the real kind that happens at school or work or the imagined kind when you just have one episode of 30 Rock left to watch on Netflix but you JUST HAVEN’T HAD TIME TO WATCH), use your bottom and top rows of teeth to trap your unsuspecting bottom lip. Curl your top lip back and use your front teeth to grab a little bit of the first layer of skin on your bottom lip. Tear it off and eat it like a savage, because for some reason that’s going to make you feel a lot better about your tough week at work. Live with bite mark craters on your bottom lip for a week, remembering what a bad habit lip biting is. Hate yourself a little.
5. The Lip Line Pimple That Everyone’s Going To Assume Is Herpes Lip Challenge
Get a huge zit right on your lip line. Confirm that it is in fact a pimple and not a cold sore as most commonly develops right on your lip line. Stare at yourself in the mirror wondering what deficiency in your hygiene practices would lead to a zit adjacent to your lips. Realize that even though you know it’s a zit, everyone you come across is going to assume you have herpes labialis. Mourn.
6. The Kissing A Mirror Because You’re Alone, A Potential Sociopath, And You Sometimes Get A Weird Satisfaction Out Of Seeing Your Lip Print On the Mirror Lip Challenge
Verify that you’re in a part of your residence where the probability of any other human beings seeing you do some really weird stuff is low. Find a mirror and take a look at yourself, fixing your hair if necessary. Look left and right, and if the coast is clear, press your lips to the cool reflective surface, imagining that you’ll see a perfect kissy print that you’d find on a Valentine’s Day card when you finally remove your lips. Step back from the mirror and see the disappointing smudge your thin lips left behind like goo from a snail. Question every part of your existence.
7. The Welding Your Lips Closed Because You Might As Well Lip Challenge
Take a sip of water or lick your lips to create some normal lip moisture. Do an activity that doesn’t involve opening your mouth, like staring at your computer for three hours or watching a Lord of the Rings marathon. Notice that because you haven’t opened your mouth in so long, the moisture has essentially sealed your lips shut. See how long you can not open your mouth noW that you’re aware your lips are stuck together. Eventually, break the seal and open your mouth, acting like you just removed the duct tape that was covering your mouth in a kidnapping situation. Wonder why you’re not in an insane asylum.