If you’re the kind of person who likes to watch people in pique physical condition from around the world compete in various athletic events (that you could totally participate in just as successfully if you weren’t nestled so comfortably on the couch), the television event you’ve been waiting four years for is starting tonight: the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympic Games. Rumor has it all the athletes are going to wear fake mustaches and dance to “Rasputin” from Just Dance 3.
If you’re familiar with the weather in Sochi, Russia (why do you have such specific knowledge about a previously obscure Russian city?), you’ll know that Sochi has a humid, subtropical climate that reaches a frigid 50 degrees during the day in its coolest months. Far away from Russia, in a state shaped like something a not-doomed stray dog chewed up called Illinois, the city of Chicago has been experiencing one of the most miserable winters in history. “Chiberia,” as it’s been called, has more snow than its residents know what to do with, and a 50-degree day here would probably prompt a statewide barbecue with sausages and a cacophony of Chicagoans using “da” as an article.
Unlike the real Olympic games that require a certain level of athleticism n sportsmanship (unless your bitch face inspires a tumblr), the Winter Games happening here in the Midwest is a struggle borne out of bitter necessity, and it’s open to everyone trying to function like a normal human being in a frozen tundra. Here are but a few of the sporting events we’ve hosted this year:
To compete in this popular event, all you need is a brush with an ice scraper, a desire to see out of your car windows, and a pair of gloves thick enough to keep from feeling like you just gave Jack Frost a handjob. Speed scraping is really at its finest when you’re already running 20 minutes late for work, and it somehow slips your mind that your car is closer to being a stationary igloo than an actual mode of transportation. If you want to get the gold, remember to clean off the roof of your car before opening your driver’s side door—I’ve seen so many competitors lose precious seconds cleaning off the pile of snow that landed in their front seat.
Curling (Up in Bed and Calling Off of Work, Because Forget About Driving in this Weather)
It takes years of laziness and deception to qualify for this event. Those with children have a slight advantage because they can lament school closures forcing them to be responsible for the care of their spawn. Claiming your car won’t start may get you a bronze, but if you want the gold you have to get creative. This year’s gold medal contender claimed he couldn’t come into work because he was filing a lawsuit against an angry parent from the neighborhood sledding hill that claimed he was too old to own a saucer.
. 5 Meter Dash
In the most risqué event of the Winter Games, athletes compete fully nude in their own bathrooms. The .5 meter dash happens right after participants get out of the shower and rush to dry off and put their clothes back before their nipples become dangerous–or more realistically–before their feet get frostbite from touching the bathroom tile for two seconds.
In this event athletes text exes, former friends, acquaintances, and anyone else in their phone they might’ve forgotten about in the desperate search to find someone to help them dig out the end of their driveway, which has morphed into a dirty iceberg thanks to the plow.
This event takes place knee-deep in snow on the sidewalk in front of your neighbor’s house. Because this thoughtless jerk decided to opt-out of society and only shovel their driveway and not the surrounding walkway designed for pedestrians, competitors will take turns screaming obscenities and pummeling the snowmen built by his or her children. I took home the silver medal this year when I condemned one of my neighbors to an eternity of shoveling Satan’s diarrhea in hell (Satan likes Taco Bell and White Castle).
This traditional event takes place right after you almost impale yourself in the stomach with your shovel when discovering an uneven portion of sidewalk. This year, I cleared a solid five feet.