My fellow Americans, election day is upon us, but for many of you, this vote decides much more than just the 45th president of the United States, but where you’ll be living for the next four to eight years. Will you remain where you live now in United States, near to your job, your family and friends, and your favorite Starbucks location with the barista who always remembers your soy milk, or will it be Canada, the geographically nearest Western country that most resembles America without actually being America, where you’ve vowed to move if a certain candidate is elected? With so much at stake, now seems like the perfect moment to give you the send-off you so deeply deserve.
On behalf of all of us citizens, we’re really going to miss you here. The roads won’t be the same without your overconfident, incendiary bumper stickers. It’s a pity that your Facebook rants won’t inspire the same abject terror and rage they once did as soon as you’re up north, because, well, you’re the Property Brothers’ problem now.
You should be proud of yourself, because your relocation is probably the single biggest contribution you’ll ever make to our fine nation—excluding the illegal fireworks display you put on every Fourth of July. Your departure is going to create a job and open up real estate that can go to another hard-working American who’s decided to stick it out in the global hegemon we call home even though it feels a lot like being one of those violin players that just kept on playing as the Titanic sank deeper into the north Atlantic. Your move actually comes at the perfect time, because with so many of you leaving, holiday dinners might actually be civil this year!
Some people might underestimate your commitment to immigration. They’ll remind you that you’ve made this empty threat before during previous elections and once when the line at Trader Joe’s was really long for no particular reason. Don’t let them weaken your resolve. It’s okay if all you know about Canada is that they also speak English up there, that they like hockey, and that Drake is from Toronto. What else matters when selecting a new country to call home?
We all want to make sure this transition goes as smoothly as possible for you, but also for us. With that in mind, do you have a valid passport? Have you made the necessary arrangements to lease your apartment? Can you locate Canada on a map?
You may be getting cold feet about uprooting your entire life, but you shouldn’t doubt yourself. All of us are confident that you’ve thought this through and that making this substantial change with minimal, if any, planning is the right thing to do. Think of it this way: You’re already using “your” and “you’re” interchangeably, so getting used to spelling words like “honor” and “color” with a “u” shouldn’t be that difficult. And if you’re worried Canada won’t have the same caliber of junk food to suit your discerning American palate, we’ve got one word for you: poutine.
Canada’s immigration policies might get in your way, but don’t forget there are still 193 other countries out there to consider. Of course you’re always welcome here in the United States, but what kind of country would we be if we didn’t encourage you to spread your wings like the bald eagle iconography you’re leaving behind? You just have to pull the trigger–metaphorically, that is. You can’t take your semi-automatic weapons with you.
It goes without saying that the country won’t be the same without you here, but just for the sake of conversation, when is your flight? Do you need a ride to the airport?